


You Can Never Go Back

by oxymora (oxymoron)



Category: Drei Männer im Schnee | Three men in the snow (movie) (1955)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-21 18:20:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxymoron/pseuds/oxymora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Alps are lovely in May, too...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unexpected Reunion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [salable_mystic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/salable_mystic/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, salable_mystic! I hope it's a good one!

The hotel staff learned about the wedding of Dr. Fritz Hagedorn and Miss Hildegard Schlüter the way the rest of the world did – from the society pages. Given the bride‘s fortune, her father’s notoriety, the groom‘s mysterious rise out of nowhere, the couple’s very short engagement and their extremely good looks, papers and magazines had a field day covering the preparations and the ceremony itself.

At breakfast, the concierge folded his copy of the Tagesbote with a resigned sigh.

“Well, they did meet here. It might be good for business yet.”

Across the table, the director shook his head sagely. “The less said about it, the better, my dear man. Alas, two more weeks of honeymoon pictures and that will be the last we see of them. Which reminds me – we’re getting our own newlyweds today. This couple Schütze. Is the honeymoon suite ready? Everything prepared?”

“Everything, down to the last detail. We even got the Siamese back. What people see in them, I’ll never know!”

 

“Well, I won’t complain about a rich couple willing to spend some money here in the off season. They can have all the cats they want if they pay the bill!”

 

****

 

The Alps might not be quite as majestic in May as in the middle of winter, but they are just as beautiful. The freshly married couple clambered out of their first class compartment in high spirits.

“I think it’s wonderful of your father that he arranged a honeymoon so close to where we met!” Fritz Hagedorn said as he offered a hand to his wife.

“I’m surprised he thought of it, really. He’s not usually a romantic,” she answered.

“Well? Do you think we should try to sneak a look at the hotel at one point? Give our best to the concierge?”

“Oh Fritz, those poor people!” She slapped his arm, laughing. “Leave them in peace!”

“Oh come on, you know I was joking. I have no desire to see that director’s face again. Where did he say we are staying? St Moritz?”

Hilde shook her head. “He never said. But there should be a car waiting outside.”

There was indeed a car waiting for Mr. and Mrs. Schütze. The small town and train station quickly disappeared from view as the car climbed the hilly road past lush meadows full of wildflowers. The sun was shining beautifully.

“How different everything looks in spring! I hardly recognize it,” Hilde said, looking out the window admiringly. Fritz however was starting to think that the road looked very familiar when the friendly chauffeur offered a letter to Hilde.

“Almost there, ma’am. Your father asked me to give you this.”

The letter was short.

_You tried to ruin my surprise here – now you’re getting a surprise of your own. Remember: father knows best. I hope the lesson sticks._

_Your loving father_

_PS: My apologies to Fritz, but as of this morning, he has declared that he is going to bear all your, and by extension, my faults. All bets are off._

 

By the time she looked up, they had stopped in front of the all too familiar Grand Hotel.

 

****

 

Inside, the director was checking his necktie in the mirror when the footboy burst in.

“Herr Direktor! Herr Portier! It’s them!”

“Them who? Dear Lord, boy, it’s like you’ve never seen guests arrive before!”

The footboy was too busy gasping for breath to answer, but he was pointing frantically towards the door, and by now both the concierge and the director were able to see the couple approaching them through the framed glass.

They had time for this hurried exchange:

“Mr. and Mrs. Schütze!”

“We should have known!”

“We are ruined!”

Then they rallied. They were, after all, professionals. The director strode forward, smile in place, hand outstretched.

“Dr Ha— Mr. Schütze! It is an honor, sir! And Mrs. Schütze, congratulations!” He bowed deeply over Mrs. Hagedorn’s hand and kissed the fingertips.

Fritz hadn’t known what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this. He and Hilde exchanged an uncomfortable glance.

“Herr Direktor, I am very sorry. I am afraid we are all victims of my father-in-law’s taste for pranks. Please believe me that we had no idea we were to come here until the car stopped in front of the building. We’ll try to find another hotel immediately, of course. I’m afraid you’ll have to cancel the reservation for Schütze.”

The director, however, wouldn’t hear of it. He dropped Hilde’s hand to clasp Fritz’s in both of his own and give it another squeeze. “But Mr. Schütze! There is no need to apologize! We are always glad to see customers return! Hans here will show you to your rooms. I hope they are to your liking.”

It wasn’t until the footboy had ushered the bewildered couple out of the foyer that the director had time to reflect on what he had done. He sank down behind the counter next to the concierge with his head in his hands.

 

“What did I do? Why didn’t I let them go when I had the chance?” he asked.

“I guess that’s what twenty year of trying to get as many customers as possible will do to you,” the concierge mused. “At east it speaks for your professional instincts.”

“Professional instincts be damned! They are booked for two weeks! And we can’t try to get rid of them _now_ , her father owns the hotel!”

The concierge shrugged. “Look at it this way: At least it’s them and not _him_. These two have _some_ decency left.”

The phone rang at that moment and broke up their conversation.

 

****

 

Not far off, a Rolls Royce climbed up the winding road. On the back seat, an elderly lady was fussing unhappily with her shawl.

“I still don’t understand why we couldn’t have taken the train! These long car rides make me all confused.” Mrs. Kunkel complained, not for the first time.

“Respectfully, I doubt the car has much to do with it.” Johann muttered next to her.

From the front seat, Geheimrat Schlüter blew out a smoke ring into the Alpine evening. “I’m sorry, my dear Kunkel. I have my reasons. We’ll be there soon, and then your head will have fourteen days of quiet and mountain air to recover.”

Mrs. Kunkel huffed. “Ha! Quiet! He acts like we don’t know him at all, Johann.”

“Quite” was the butler’s noncommittal reply.

“Well, Kunkel, Johann, I’ll make you a promise,” Geheimrat Schlüter said. “I’ll stay for two days, and then you’re rid of me to enjoy the rest of your stay alone in peace while I get back to business. I have a surprise planned first. Surprises keep you young!”

“In that case, _you_ definitely don’t need any,” Mrs. Kunkel said. Johann cleared his throat. “If I may say so, sir, I think Mrs. Kunkel has a point. For once.”

“Ha!” the Geheimrat exclaimed. “And here I have the two of you agreeing on something! Signs and miracles! It’s good then that I’m the only one who’s _not_ going to be surprised. Ah! We’re almost there.”

Johann and Mrs. Kunkel looked up, and for the second time that day, they shared a sentiment as they turned the final corner and the hotel came into view.

“Oh dear,” Johann said.

Geheimrat Schlüter was out of the car as soon as it stopped. “Come on, you two! I hear there’s potato salad with sausages for dinner!”

 

Inside, the concierge and director had given up on commenting on their fates. They were simply resigned when Geheimrat Schlüter entered his hotel. The three guests were led to their rooms in silence.


	2. Johann and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hike

The young couple had spent their first evening shut up in their suite, and so Geheimrat Schlüter was denied the second part of his surprise until the next morning. Nevertheless, he spent the evening very enjoyably, to his mind. He had an excellent dinner of potato salad and sausages, followed by cigars and cognac. He was served by the head chef and the director himself, who was as polite as a man who had made it his mission to speak as little as possible could be. Mrs. Kunkel had claimed a migraine and retired to her room, and Johann, while obviously disapproving, was not one to voice his complaints.

Consequently, he rose early and in the best of spirits the next morning. He hummed all the way to the breakfast parlor, helped himself to a generous portion of jam and toast, and settled expectantly at the table that afforded the best view of the entrance. Seeing the director walk by, he took the liberty of placing his feet on the opposite chair and took great delight in the man’s ability to suppress a wince. It was always good to see that one’s employees were true professionals, he told himself.

At about half past eight – he had finished his second cup of coffee and was half-way through the morning paper – the door opened for his daughter and son-in-law.

Fritz’ face showed obvious surprise (the poor boy is still too naïve for his own good, Geheimrat Schlüter thought drily), but Hilde must have expected that her father wouldn’t miss the chance to see his prank play out.

According to Johann’s report to Mrs Kunkel (he happened to come in shortly after the Hagedorns, with a butler’s uncanny talent to go unnoticed), the meeting between father and daughter did not go smoothly and involved some raised voices, with an unhappy Dr Hagedorn caught in the crossfire. But after Geheimrat Schlüter whispered something into his daughter’s ear and passed her a thick envelope, they were seen leaving the breakfast parlor smiling and arm in arm. In Mrs Kunkel’s words, Hilde had had “more than enough time by now to get used to his schemes, the poor thing.”

****

 

The newlyweds managed to escape without a trace soon after breakfast. Luckily, Geheimrat Schlüter could always count on Johann to keep him company. The two men set of shortly afterwards for a hike. To Johann’s utter misery, the Geheimrat had managed to smuggle parts of last winter’s masquerade along. Dressed in threadbare knickerbockers and a jacket that sported more than one stain of questionable origin, he led the way up a narrow footpath. Johann at least had been able to insist he carry the picnic basket. He took professional pride in this, but it meant that he was struggling indecently to keep up with his master’s brisk pace.

Geheimrat Schlüter’s face was lit by a boyish smile. He looked like he didn’t have care in the world. Johann, who was trying to balance the basket and the umbrella he had insisted on bringing along, allowed himself a small moment of envy.

“Come on, Johann!” the Geheimrat called over his shoulder. “We have a thousand meters to climb until the summit!”

Johann stopped. “Summit, sir?”

“The view is supposed to be stunning! You’ll love it.”

Johann slowly took in the mountain rising before him. The top was still covered in snow that glistened in the morning sun. It looked very high indeed. He swallowed.

“Sir, are you sure we are sufficiently equipped for that hike?”

“I asked Toni for recommendations for day hikes. He said we should be right as rain as long as we took care to get back before the afternoon storm.”

“Graswander Toni? The skiing instructor?” Johann asked with a weak voice.

“That’s the one. Apparently, he doubles as a tour guide in summer. But I said we’d be fine on our own.”

Johann found himself agreeing with his employer for the first time. The only thing, he felt, that would make a hike up a snow-covered mountain in uncertain weather any worse would be the company of someone telling him to bend his knees.

****

 

An hour later, Johann knew that he would not have to wait for the promised storm to get drenched. Sweat seemed to pour down his face and back. The summit looked no closer. This was quite surprising as the hotel looked very far off indeed and they had been walking up an ever steepening and rocky path. Johann had already resigned himself to the fact that their shoes would be a lost cause. Making sure that his master was properly dressed for every occasion was one of his first duties, which meant that the lack of proper hiking boots hurt emotionally as well as physically. He suspected he had sustained a blister on his left heel.

Geheimrat Schlüter had vanished around a corner, but Johann could hear him whistling _“Das Wandern ist des Müllers Lust”_ and happily clacking his walking stick against the rocks from not far ahead. He gritted his teeth and quickened his pace.

****

 

Another hour later, they finally stopped for lunch. The Geheimrat dropped his walking stick on a lush meadow and stretched his arms wide, breathing deeply. He looked as happy as a kid in a candy store. The sun was still shining brightly, but Johann had noticed three cumulus clouds on the horizon – an ill omen.

The heavy weight of the picnic basket was explained when the Geheimrat pulled out a bottle of wine. Johann refused, and then regretted his choice when he realized that this would simply mean that his master drank all the more. He finally agreed to a small glass. They feasted on ham and cheese sandwiches, hard-boiled eggs and sausages, and Johann was starting to rally and actually willing to agree with the Geheimrat that the view was splendid, when their quiet was disturbed by loud mooing and the sound of bells. A herd of about twenty cows marched right in their direction. Johann had never liked large animals. These beasts looked ready to trample them. He leapt to his feet, threw the rest of their lunch into the basket and ran.

When he finally dared to turn and look for his master, the man was standing in the middle of a cow herd and laughing heartily. Then he picked up his walking stick, patted the nearest creature’s head, and followed at a leisurely pace.

“I’m in awe of you, Johann! Here we’ve been walking all day and you have the strength for a sprint!”

Johann hardly heard. His head was swimming. He had to lean down and rest his hands on his knees. They felt quite soft, he thought distantly. Graswander Toni would be proud.

****

 

He hardly noticed when they reached the summit. Later, he’d remember that it was cold, windy, and scarily high. The only good thing about it was the fact that by now, even Geheimrat Schlüter was starting to worry about the ever-darkening clouds and anxious to get back.

Predictably, it started to rain when they were about a half hour from the hotel and Johann had started to congratulate himself of having gotten himself and his madman of a master off the mountain safe and sound. It was the first time that he noticed that his umbrella had become a casualty in his flight from the cows. As the rain started to soak his jacket and trousers, Johann philosophically decided that at least he had now earned the two weeks’ worth of vacation his employer had promised him.

Then he remembered that he’d spend those two weeks in the same place as Mrs. Kunkel. He sighed.


	3. A Lament for Kasimir

None of the rest of the party ever learned where the Hagedorns had gone that day, but obviously at least part of it had been spent outside, since Hilde and Fritz came back just as soaked as Johann and the Geheimrat. By the evening, Johann had developed an admirably red nose and poor Hilde had such a bad cold that Fritz urged her to go to bed. He came down for dinner an hour later to report that she was fast asleep.

The Geheimrat was in the middle of a conversation with the director.

“… And after lunch, I think some exercise would do me good. Lawn mowing maybe. Or you could arrange for some errands in town. It’s a pleasant walk, as I recall.”

The director looked like he had just bitten into a lemon and was doing his best to pretend it had been lemonade.

“The Herr Geheimrat is aware that we have a first-rate gymnasium?”

Geheimrat Schlüter waved a hand. “Humbug! I have the best recollection of the very special brand of entertainment you provide for your guests. I’ll not settle for second best. Oh, and please make sure that Sepp is available, I enjoyed his company very much the last time.”

The director nodded, bowed and fled. Fritz shook his head as he took the seat opposite his father-in-law.

“Eduard! Is that necessary? Isn’t it enough that you made fools of them – and us – yesterday?”

Eduard Schlüter leaned back and lit a cigar.

“My dear boy, it’s no good trying to talk sense into me. I have Johann, Kunkel and my daughter for that, much good it does them. I deserve some fun in my old age.”

“But in all seriousness, Eduard – don’t you think you went too far? Hilde was dreadfully embarrassed. This is her honeymoon! To say nothing of the poor staff – they must feel terrible!”

“Fritz, if you’re trying to make me feel bad, you’re focusing on the wrong people,” Schlüter said. “The director and concierge deserve any embarrassment I might cause them, the rest of the staff are perfectly glad to see me, my daughter deserves what she got – the only person without blame who is harmed in my little joke is you. For which I am heartily sorry, but it couldn’t be helped.” He blew out a smoke ring with great satisfaction and grinned.

“And be honest – didn’t you have just a little fun seeing that peacock of a director try to keep face?”

Much as he was trying, Fritz couldn’t suppress a smile of his own. Eduard’s pleasure at his prank was infectious.

“I think that concierge didn’t shut his mouth for a full minute when we walked in yesterday. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pinched himself.”

Eduard beamed. “Glad to hear it, my friend. So my dear daughter is asleep, I hear?”

“She is. I don’t want to wake her, but I am starving.”

“Well, I hear there’s pea soup with sausages for dinner. It sounds delicious. Fancy an aperitif while we wait?”

 ****

By dessert, any trace of anger Fritz had ever felt at Eduard had vanished – he genuinely loved and admired the older man, and while Hilde had never shared the contents of the mysterious envelope with him, it must have been good, as she had forgiven her father on the spot. So Fritz concluded that while he hadn’t envisioned spending the second day of his honeymoon getting drunk with his father-in-law, there were worse ways to spend an evening. They were reminiscing last winter’s escapades when they heard a polite cough that soon turned into a hearty sneeze.

Fritz turned.

“Johann! Gesundheit!”

Johann’s slight bow was interrupted by a second sneeze. He turned to wipe his nose.

“Johann, my dear man, sit down and have a drink with us,” said Geheimrat Schlüter as he pulled out a chair.

“I was planning on wishing you a good night, sir. I fear I must retire,” Johann said.

“Nonsense, my dear man. Alcohol kills germs. It’s practically medicinal,” Schlüter insisted.

“Well, one drink then, sir.”

 ****

Four drinks later found them outside the lawn and lamenting the lack of snow in May.

“Kasimir wou’ve diked dis champagne,” Johann mused. He was suffering from an unfortunate combination of a clogged nose (the medicinal powers of the alcohol apparently took time to manifest themselves) and too much whisky.

“More for us this way,” his boss replied and downed his glass. “To Kasimir. May he rest in peace.”

“To Kasimir,” the others replied solemnly.

“May his spirit join his brethren in heaven while his bodily remains nourish the grass,” Hagedorn supplied.

“Amen!” Johann and Eduard raised their glasses.

“May de memory of hith magnifificency stay wid us for –ha—for—choo— forevermore!” Johann finished triumphantly.

“We should erect a memorial in his honor!” Eduard exclaimed.

Fritz let himself fall down onto the lawn. “Tomorrow.” He winced. “Oh God. My wife is going to kill me tomorrow. If my head won’t do it first, that is.”

Eduard dropped down beside him. “Let’s hope she’s too ill to notice”

“I don’t _think_ I should hope for that,” Fritz mused, looking up at the stars. “I’m getting drunk without her two days after our wedding. I think I’m setting a new record for terrible husbands.”

Eduard must have noticed the sudden seriousness in his son in law’s voice. “You’re going to be a wonderful husband, my boy. She’s head over heels for you, and you’re going to make her very happy. I wouldn’t worry.” He reached over and gave Fritz’ shoulder a squeeze.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Fritz struggled to his feet. “You’re right. Where’s Johann, anyway?”

A loud snore from their right provided the answer. The two men looked at the butler’s sleeping figure, and burst into laughter.

“Poor man! We’ve worn him out,” Fritz said.

“You take the arms, I’ll take the legs?” Eduard asked.

“Done.”


	4. New Destinations

Possibly due to the fresh mountain air, all members of the party were in much better shape the next morning. They enjoyed a hearty breakfast together and then the Hagedorn, Geheimrat Schlüter and Mrs Kunkel set off for St Moritz, where they spent the morning buying souvenirs and postcards, taking pictures and doing everything that is required of proper tourists.

After lunch, the Geheimrat checked his watch. “All right my dears, I have to go. I have an appointment with Sepp and a lawn mower.”

“Herr Geheimrat! How long do you plan to make us watch as you torture those poor fellows?” Mrs. Kunkel asked. “It’s not decent.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs Kunkel, you don’t have to watch at all. In fact, I’m afraid you won’t get a chance. You have an appointment in an hour,” he replied.

“I think I’d know if I had an appointment. I’m not that forgetful yet!” the housekeeper protested.

“My dear Kunkel, I have to disagree. You’re meeting Johann at the train station at half past one.”

“What would I do at the train station?”

“Take a train,” the Geheimrat said. “It’s what people usually do at those places.”

Hilde was chuckling by then. “My dear Mrs Kunkel, don’t you know papa’s habit to make plans for all of us by now? He’s sending you off on another vacation. Did you think he’d subject you to our company for two whole weeks? I’m sure he’s picked a much better destination for you.”

“Indeed I have,” Schlüter agreed. “Johann will bring your luggage, and then you are off to Lake Constance to enjoy a much deserved vacation on your own. Here are your tickets!” He handed her an envelope similar to the one Hilde had received the day before.

“And Johann?” Mrs Kunkel asked.

“I’m shipping him off to Lake Lugano. I wouldn’t trust the two of you within two feet of each other without a supervisor, and there’s nobody available for the job. These two” – he pointed at Hilde and Fritz – “have a plane to New York to catch. I knew I had to send my daughter to the other end of the world to reassure her that her good old dad is not going to show up again, and I doubt anybody will try to follow them there to snatch pictures for the papers.”

Mrs. Kunkel still wasn’t satisfied. “And you?”

“I have two weeks of fresh air, excellent cuisine, an extremely accommodating staff, a Siamese cat and many, many lawns to mow ahead of me. I think I’ll enjoy this vacation almost as much as the last one.”

Mrs Kunkel had run out of questions; Hilde and Fritz beamed at each other, obviously excited for the chance of a proper holiday. Geheimrat Schlüter congratulated himself on a job well done and strolled of the inn. The sun was shining. It looked like a perfect day to cut some grass.

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't bring myself to write Schlüter/Hagedorn slash (although I can't unsee it now) -- too many innocent childhood memories there. But I hope you enjoyed some more harmless shenanigans involving the whole cast! 
> 
> I decided to err on the side of caution and write in English, although it did feel weird at times. There might be a translation at some point (not making any promises, though).


End file.
